Postpartum Depression in Dads: The Signs, and What to Do About It

Everyone asks how the baby is. Then they ask how she is. Almost nobody asks how you’re doing. And if the honest answer is “not great”, you’re far from alone.

Postpartum depression happens to dads too. It often looks different, and it’s very treatable once someone notices. Here’s how to spot it, in you or in her.

Can dads get postpartum depression?

Yes. About 1 in 10 dads gets depressed in the period from pregnancy through the baby’s first year, according to a large review of studies covering more than 28,000 fathers. The risk was highest three to six months after the birth.

The more accurate name is perinatal depression: depression that shows up during the pregnancy or after the baby arrives. Same thing, different label. Either way, it’s real, and it’s not a sign you’re a bad dad.

What does postpartum depression in dads look like?

Often not like sadness and tears. Psychologist Darby Saxbe, who studies the father’s brain, explains that depression in new dads tends to look like:

• Irritability. Snapping at your partner, short fuse with the baby, angry at everything.
• Withdrawing. Pulling away from the baby or the family, staying out of the room, scrolling your phone in the car.
• Always working. Throwing yourself into work, obsessing over money, staying late “because someone has to provide”.

Other signs to watch for:

• Feeling numb, flat or empty for weeks.
• Not enjoying anything, including the baby.
• Sleeping badly even when you get the chance, or sleeping all the time.
• Drinking more, or using other things to switch off.
• Feeling like your family would be better off without you.

Because these don’t look like the classic picture of depression, they’re easy to miss, by you and by everyone around you.

Why do new dads get depressed?

A mix of things, piling up at once:

• Sleep loss. Weeks of broken sleep wear anyone down.
• Your brain is changing too. Saxbe’s research finds that the same brain changes that come with being an involved dad are also linked with a higher risk of depression and anxiety. Caring for a baby is hard, repetitive and often isolating.
• Her mood. When moms are depressed, dads are more likely to be too. The same review found a clear link between the two.
• Money pressure. Especially if you feel like everything rests on your paycheck.
• Losing your support. For many men, their partner is their main confidante. After the birth, she’s busy with the baby, and suddenly nobody’s asking how you are.

So don’t back away from the baby. Stay involved, and look after yourself while you do.

Baby blues or depression: when it’s time to get help

Feeling tired, short-tempered and a bit lost in the first weeks is normal. Becoming a parent is a big upheaval for both of you.

It’s time to get help when it starts to take over: when you can’t enjoy any part of being a dad, when it’s getting in the way of bonding with your partner or your baby, or when it lasts for weeks instead of days.

Get help today, not next week, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else. Call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time.

How to keep your own tank full

Three things that help, starting before the baby arrives:

1. Protect your sleep. Take shifts, so each of you gets one real stretch of sleep. Our free Sleep Pact helps you plan the nights, and our guide on how to split night feeds shows three schedules that work.
2. Keep one thing for yourself. The gym, a morning run, a weekly game night, a beer with your best friend. Agree with your partner that you keep yours, and she keeps hers. It’s not selfish. It’s maintenance.
3. Say it out loud. “I’m not doing great” is enough to start the conversation. First with your partner, then with someone else.

And build your support before the birth. Most men have fewer people to talk to than they think. A friend who’s a dad already is worth a lot.

How to get help for postpartum depression in men

Depression in dads is treatable, usually with talk therapy, sometimes with medication, often with both. Where to start:

• Your own doctor. Tell them exactly what you’ve noticed. You don’t need to have it all figured out.
• Postpartum Support International. They have help specifically for dads, including free online support groups. Their helpline is 1-800-944-4773.
• A therapist, for you, or for both of you together.
• In a crisis, call or text 988, any time.

If she’s struggling too

Watch for the same signs in her: sadness that doesn’t lift after two weeks, not enjoying anything, withdrawing, trouble bonding with the baby, changes in sleep or appetite beyond what the baby causes. Postpartum depression in moms is common and treatable too.

If you see it, say it gently, and help her call her doctor. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free and open 24/7: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). Our guide to postpartum warning signs covers what to watch for in her recovery.

Whoever it is, you or her, the move is the same: say it out loud, then get help. Asking for help is the thing most men put off longest. It’s also the most useful thing a tired dad can do.

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General information, not medical advice. If you’re worried about your mental health or hers, talk to a doctor. In a crisis, call or text 988.

Sources: Paulson and Bazemore, JAMA 2010, Postpartum Support International: Help for Dads, HRSA: National Maternal Mental Health Hotline. Expert input from Dr. Darby Saxbe, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, from the Ready Dad course.